I cannot believe that I failed to post pictures from BOTH kids’ birthdays this year. This is really a symptom of a larger issue, which I will address at some point. In any case, Zane turned four at the end of August, and Lillia turned twelve at the end of October. Here are a few pictures from their celebrations (I’m pretty darn proud of the tiger cake I made for Zane):
For my birthday this year my husband got me the gift of wonderful memories — a trip to Newport, Rhode Island! I have wanted to go to Newport for years, ever since I learned about the mansions and the opulent parties of its golden age. In high school I even entertained the idea of attending Salve Regina University (some of the dorms are restored mansions). We made reservations at the La Farge Perry House, an amazing bed & breakfast located in a quiet neighborhood just a short walk from the historic downtown area. I cannot even begin to sing the praises of the innkeeper, Marise, and I would recommend the La Farge Perry House to anyone in a heartbeat (we stayed in the Com. Matthew Perry room). Our little getaway was a whirlwind trip that included: luxuriating at a beautiful bed & breakfast; eating made to order nachos washed down with sangria; strolling through an historic seaside village; trying and failing to buy a bottle of wine after 6pm on a Sunday; drifting off to sleep in a crosswind of cool ocean breezes; six hours round trip in the car with no kids bickering in the backseat; and walking…A LOT of walking. It was one of the best 24 hours of my life. Thank you, my love, for memories I’ll cherish for a lifetime. I can’t wait to go back!
All night my heart makes its way however it can over the rough ground of uncertainties, but only until night meets and then is overwhelmed by morning, the light deepening, the wind easing and just waiting, as I too wait (and when have I ever been disappointed?) for redbird to sing. — “A Thousand Mornings” by Mary Oliver
I’ve been dreading this birthday for weeks, even though thirty-four is a very minor adjustment from thirty-three. And, yet, something about the even-ness of the number, it just seems so much closer to forty, and forty is unbearable. I’m sure all of you who are over forty and reading this are hating me right now, but does it not seem absolutely impossible even to be thirty-four? I recently spent a couple of days going through all of my old school papers, and it caused me some distress. Surely this little girl, who was me, would be beside herself with despair to learn that that she hadn’t accomplished anything of note by the age of thirty-three (now -four). The whole exercise plunged me into a sort of mid-life crisis.
That’s not to say I regret all of my choices. I’ve been home with my kids for almost six years now, and it is the most precious gift that my husband could have given me. Truthfully, I never want this part of my life to end. But, the end is terrifyingly close! I am thirty-four, and I have no career and no idea what I’m going to do with myself when my son starts school in just a little over a year. I am thirty-four and there are so many things I have not done, and probably never will do, and that is heartbreaking.
Thirty-four feels ominous. Thirty-four feels like panic.
Still, there is this: when I was making my coffee this morning, the sun was shining on the surface of the pond behind our house, and everything was sparkling, and the birds were singing, and it just felt glorious to be alive and to be part of this astonishingly complex and beautiful creation. So, I’m going to tell myself that whatever God has planned for me, I will take it. I will try not to panic or despair, and I will look forward to the moments of jubilation that exist amidst the uncertainty. I will try to keep my heart and mind open to the possibilities that still lie ahead, without dwelling too much on the path not taken. None of that will be easy, but it is my best option.
Today is my birthday — I’m thirty-four — and, despite the ambiguity of my current situation, I am very happy to be here.
* I wrote a post on my birthday last year, too.
A few pictures from our son’s two birthday parties this past weekend. I can’t believe my “baby” is three years old! Happy Birthday, Zane (and Papa, too)!
Zane’s Third Birthday // Part Two from Kelli Wilson on Vimeo.